The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
"Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?" Most of the students wrote elaborate proofs of their conclusions using
Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)
or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need
to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate
that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we
can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at
the different religions that exist in the world today. Many, if not all, of
these religions hold that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since few people
belong to more than one religion, we can project that nearly all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate
than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in
Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is
expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman
year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you!", and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations
with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
Subject: The Social Contract or PoliSci 101-
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"....
Dad says,
"Well, son, let me try to explain it this way:.....
"I'm the breadwinner of
the family, so let's call me Big Business. Your Mom, she's the administrator of
the money, so we will call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that
and see if that makes sense."......
So the little boy goes off to bed
thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother
crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. So he
goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep, (dad having given
her a sleeping pill), not able to wake her, he gives up and goes back to
bed........
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now."......
The father says, "
Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about."......
The little boy replies, "Well, while Big Business is screwing
the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep do-do."......
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just
leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't
be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one
is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like
everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It
may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you
should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't
succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for
a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat & drink
beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you
tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't
park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you
are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first
time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, & a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double yr money is to fold it in
half & put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with
the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct
tape is like the Force. It has a light & a dark side,& it holds the
universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither
one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked,
wet, hungry,& get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic
hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's
also a negative side."
--Hunter S. Thompson
Courtesy of Tom Ryan.....
Subject: Letter to the Bandleader
Dear Bandleader:
We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we'd be grateful:
Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.
Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John Mclaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked his use of polyrhythms. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the feedback.
Any of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes.
We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like "The Rite of Spring." If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93.
Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo." If you want to play it in the original key of B flat, that would be fine. And my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo, though you may have to play that part in another key--she has kind of a high voice.
When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, could you play just a little of Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."
And for the bride & groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."
When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.
Thanks very much for all your help. We'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all our friends.
By the way, the gig pays $250 for the group, and before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda.
Laura Schlessinger recently, said that for an observant Orthodox Jew,
homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be
condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura
penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding
some of the specific laws and how to follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on
the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.
1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman
while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish
is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not
approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I
wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the
skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear
gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just
burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things
extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us
that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring
fan.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was ideal
for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore. One
evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there
for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
with which to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligator."
Moral:Some old men can still think fast.
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in
Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive
experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason
for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2)
failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work
with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and
rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she
decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I
am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume
on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting
completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a
meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should
try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is
unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing
investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so
far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never
quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for
leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m.
every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made
me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth
in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction
behind me.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look,
Michael.
Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is
it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
a great place of balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of
earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth but
cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be
poor but sunny and pleasant. "I have made some
lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.
This one will be extremely hot and while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then
pointed to a land mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's New Jersey -- the most
glorious place on earth.There are beautiful
beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The
people from New Jersey are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going
to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Trenton."
Fake Priest Busted For Enema Exorcisms EVORA, Portugal - This just might be the most bizarre story we have come across. Manuel de Montoya, alias Father Juan, convinced at least two dozen villagers that demons possessed their bowels and the only way to get rid of them was to administer enemas to exorcise the demons. Of course there was a price for this ritual. Father Juan was turned in by another clergyman and authorities have charged him with fraud.
Two guys from Flemington NJ are out hunting one day, when one of them keels
over.
His friend whips out his cell phone and calls 911.... "911", says the
operator. "What's the trouble?"
The hunter explains that he thinks his friend
may have died.
"Don't worry -- just stay calm", says the operator.
"First,
we should make sure that he really IS dead."
"OK -- hang on..."..... There is
a silence, then the operator hears a loud BANG!
"OK", says the hunter. "What
next?"
Subject: "A Nice Pair of Gloves"
A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new
sweetheart
As they had not been dating very long, after some careful
consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just
the right note - romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his
sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair
of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair
of panties for herself.
While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the
boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties
for the young man. The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it
to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:
"I
chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when
we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she
wears that are easier to remove."
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
very sharp.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting
them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think
how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear
them for me on Friday night.
All my love. (P.S... The latest style is to wear
them folded down with a little fur showing!)"
To whom it may concern:
America has engaged in some finger wagging lately
because California
doesn't have enough electricity to
meet its needs. The rest of the country
(including
George W. Bush's energy secretary Spencer Abraham,
who wants
Californians to suffer through blackouts as
justification for drilling for
oil in Alaska's Arctic
National Wildlife Refuge)seems to be just fine
with
letting Californians dangle in the breeze without
enough power to
meet their needs. They laugh at
Californians' frivolity.
Well, everybody. Here's how it really is:
California ranks 48th in the nation in power consumed per
person.
California grows more than half the nation's fruit,
nuts and
vegetables. We're keeping them. We need
something to eat when the power goes
out. We grow 99
percent or more of the nation's almonds,
artichokes,
dates, figs, kiwifruit, olives, persimmons,
pistachios,
prunes, raisins and walnuts.
Hope you won't miss them.
California is the
nation's number one dairy state.
We're keeping our dairy products.
We'll
need plenty of fresh ones since our refrigerators can't be relied upon.
Got
milk?
We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in state.
Silicon Valley is ours, after all.
Without enough electricity, which you're
apparently keeping for yourselves, we just plain don't have enough software to
spare.
We're keeping all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage
of the commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you want to
go.
When yours wear out, you'd better hope Boeing's Washington plant can keep
you supplied.
There isn't enough electricity here to allow us to export any
more planes than we need ourselves.
And while we're at it, we're keeping all
our high-tech aerospace stuff, too, like the sophisticated weapons systems that
let you sleep at night, not worried you might wake up under the rule of some
foreign kook.
Oh, yeah, and if you want to make a long-distance call,
remember where the satellite components and tracking systems come from. Maybe
you could get back in the habit of writing letters.
Want to see a blockbuster
movie this weekend? Come to California. We make them here. Since we'll now have
to make them with our own electricity, we're keeping them.
Even if we shot
them somewhere else, the labs, printing facilities, editing facilities, and
sound facilities are all here.
Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over
17 million gallons per year. We'll need all of it to drown our sorrows when we
think about the fact that no matter how many California products we export to
make the rest of America's lives better, America can't see its way clear to help
us out with a little electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine.
You
all complain that we don't build enough power plants. Well, you don't grow
enough food, write enough software, make enough movies, build enough airplanes
and defense systems or make enough wine.
This is your last warning, America.
Lighten (us) up before it's too late.
Love,
The Californians
Bush Goes to Heaven?
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso
have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space
continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously,
even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.
Saint Peter
questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea of the lengths
certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you
prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks,
"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of
his fingers. ... The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to
describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
(As well as the conditions of time and space that held up his arrival)...
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein! Welcome to
heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his
credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and
chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles
and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he
captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter
claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his
head....and says...
"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their
identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who's
Einstein N.Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his
head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But
that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell
his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with
student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George,
stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and
scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze,
says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I
wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy
your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they
put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the
voters "Hey, we want George to win.
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn
invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that
is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't
remember what I done in school
Just maybe I even broke da rules
"But boy
if I want to-I can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"
Don't know much about no women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I
wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em
yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National
Guard
And how wonderful-safe that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And
maybe by kissing the butts of my rich friends
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the
constitution
Don't know much about the economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know fersure
If the rich stay rich and the
poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To Republicans at discount rates
But I do know when things get bad,
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be
"Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an
affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman,
known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem,"Sources close to Mary claim that she
"had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her
relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child". In a
press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No
sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in
time, verily"."Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally
funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign
operatives known only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to
several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go- betweens in the
affair."Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had
created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land
deal."In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away
from a scandal involving whether the give-away of a parcel of public land in
Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for
political contributions."If these allegations prove to be true, then this could
be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers."Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep, Moses.
Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the
rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the
"Name In Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction of free
speech,"
***************************************************************************************
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a
lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did
she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later,
during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you
doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"
she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure
is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon
flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had
better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three
parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save
lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer
and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also
grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and
said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your
whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The
little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry,
Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
Leaving Work Early...
Three girls all worked in the same office with the
same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day,
the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they
went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a
little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The
redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before
meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her
house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
The blonde reports for her university final examination which has to be answered in the typical "yes/no" type format. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam early, so I'm checking my answers, and now I think I got some wrong...."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well,"
he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want
the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her
parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky
after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that
evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if
he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues
praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me
that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers,
"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
The following statements about the bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the
animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a
ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who
let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the
Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red
Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve
told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit
adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew
king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of
people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300
wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus,
she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side
arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an
immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus teached the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do
one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It
was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off
the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St.
Matthew who was also a taxi-man.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He
preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage
A Christian
should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
You might be an engineer if:
Choosing between buying flowers for your
wife and upgrading your RAM is a problem.
You take a cruise so you can go on
a personal tour of the engine room.
In college, you thought Spring Break was
metal fatigue failure.
The salespeople at the local computer store can't
answer any of your questions.
At an air show, you know how fast the
skydivers are falling.
For your wife's birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM
drive or a Palm Pilot.
You can quote scenes from any Monte Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special
effects.
You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You know what
You look forward to Christmas so you can put together
the kids toys.
You see a good design, and have to change it.
You spent
more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
You still own a
slide rule and know how to use it.
You think that people yawning around you
are sleep deprived.
You window shop at Radio Shack.
Your laptop computer
cost more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do
at work.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've
tried to repair a $5 radio.
Farmer Joe responded,... "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favourite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details,"
the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, you were fine?"
Farmer Joe began to reply,... "Well I had
just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The
lawyer interrupted again and said,... "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he
was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told
the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule
Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
"Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked
my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However,
I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on
the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then
the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
feeling?"
The Best Worst Country-Western Songs (yep.... these are for real)
1. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
2. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
5. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
8. Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life
9. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
10. If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
12. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
13. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.
14. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart.
15. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight Because I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out
Can you imagine working at the following Company?
It has a little
over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
71 cannot get a credit card due to
bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been
arrested for shoplifting
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been
accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which
organization this is?
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line...